This time last year, I was in a dead-end job, in a relationship with a man who was flirting with abuse, and I was more depressed than I can ever remember being. I resolved to change my life around, and I'm happy to say, I did. Looking back, I am amazed that I had so much insight into my relationship and my future. Most people my age resolve to lose ten pounds and clean out their closets, but my resolution was so profound, and so life changing, that even today, I am shocked that I accomplished it. This is my resolution, word for word, from last year.
Where do you go when the place you are is the worst thing for you, and the place you need to be isn't what you want? How do you leave someone who was your whole world when you had no one to turn to, nowhere to go or feel safe because you left the only place you really called home for a "fresh start"? Who's shoulder do you lean on when your best friend is too far away and your closest friend nearby wants more than you can give?
I am realizing that being treated like a queen for a few hours may not be worth being treated like dirt for 90% of the time. even if the person who is doing all the treating is my whole life, the reason i didn't just quit and go back home when i got scared and tired of being alone. My shoulder to cry on has turned into the reason i cry, and i just can't cry anymore. I have never been one to cry over some boy, but this one got to me. He was a close friend for so long and there was always more, and it grew into what i thought of as love, and maybe it was, but i feel it may have been unrequited love. Simply saying the words do not prove the truth and I'm not sure i want to wait around anymore to find out if it's real or not.
God has given me so many reasons, so many signs, to leave before i got in over my head, and i saw them every time, and recognized them as such, but ignored them because he made me laugh when i just wanted to curl up and sob. And he held me when i did. But something changed. Every fight got worse and worse and he realized that i still love him no matter what he does or says, and so he got bolder and bolder. Every word was worse, hurt more, stung more. And I fear that if I continue to ignore God's warning's for some man's pretend love, I will regret it. I think this may be how most abusive relationships begin, they treat you so badly, worse than anyone would ever dare to treat you, but the apologies are so sweet, so promising, that you give it one more shot and one more try, and rationalize it all away, until one day, you can't escape, for fear of your own life.
I don't want to live my life wondering if or when it will start. I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. and no man should be aloud to take that away from me. I have lost my sense of self, I no longer feel independent and strong. I feel as if i couldn't possibly go on if i lost such a good friend, how much worse could life get? But now I am resolving to be strong. To find myself again and be the person that i love to be, no longer afraid to say what I feel for fear of rejection. If someone doesn't approve, my life will go on. My happiness from now on is going to come from myself, I am cleansing myself of my bad relationships, in hopes that it will be the first step to becoming who I was, and who i want to be.
This is my new years resolution. In one year, i will re-read this and I hope that i will be then where I cannot be now. The road ahead is scary and difficult, like driving through black ice on a bridge in a snowstorm, but the result will be a much happier me, and maybe I will once again be who I was when I took the risk and left everything i loved behind to find my fresh start.
After writing my resolution last year, I set it aside, as most people do, and let myself forget about it. My anger quickly dissolved, as it always did when he smiled at me, and the cycle of abuse started all over. And just as was our pattern, a fight ensued, and for the first time, he hit me. No boyfriend had ever hit me, an up until that night, even he had only managed to bring down my self esteem. But that night, about a month after writing my resolution, my boyfriend of seven months pushed me down, into the edge of a coffee table, and split my head open. He quickly realized what he had done in his drunken rage, but the damage was done, i was bleeding and crying in pain, and anger, and as he drove me to the hospital he apologized a million times, and I forgave him, because, of course, it was an accident.
A long night followed, with the typical questioning looks from doctors and nurses in the emergency room, followed by my own excuses that it was just an accident, and our lives went on. On Valentines day, he proposed, and two weeks later, he gave me the news that he had managed to impregnate another woman, and that they intended to keep it. I realized then that making someone your whole world, while allowing them to keep you as a backup plan, was not something I wanted to spend my life doing, and so I managed the courage to say goodbye, and never looked back. I wont say it wasn't hard, and scary, because it was. However, after five days spent in bed crying every twenty minutes, I was ready to get up, take a shower, and start over. That day, my life changed for the better. I got an interview at a better paying, and less stressful job, and vowed never to let some man be my excuse for unhappiness.
This year, I am challenging myself to keep growing, keep learning, and never settle for less than the very best. I want more for my life in 2009. I want to focus more on my education, and less on my work and other everyday stresses, and not be concerned with finding a relationship, no matter what anyone else says or thinks. It will happen when it's suppose to happen, and until then, I will focus on myself. This time next year, I will read this and once again be proud of myself for accomplishing my goal.
What are some of your goals? Have you accomplished goals set in previous years?
